going.

Yesterday, as I lay on my bed and felt the fan blowing cool air against my bare legs, I took a little trip down memory lane and re-read some of the blog posts I've written over the past couple of years. It was interesting. I can see patterns of emotions and experiences all typed up in those words on the page, and when I think back to their actual occurrences, I'm touched by sensations and memories that I'd all but forgotten. It was as if I was reading the life of a woman I used to know quite well but have recently lost touch with. How does that happen?


I came across lots of posts about him. I sort of knew that would happen, and I tried to prepare myself, but the shock of seeing his face and the re-telling of tales where he plays a main character still shot into the center of the Current Me, and my heart got caught in my throat like a rock, sharp and jagged. And it was then that I fully realized--and am coming to terms with--the fact that I still love him. I always will. I just will. Period. And so, that is that. And what I need, in order to deal with this realization, is time and space. Time and space for the sharp and jagged rock to dissolve. If that's even possible, of course. But you see, once it dissolves, the liquidy remains will run back down and into my bloodstream, always to be a part of me. 


Yes, he will always be a part of me. Because that's what love does. It becomes a part of you. Yes, it makes me sad that things ended the way they did, and part of me wonders if there would ever be a chance at reconciliation, because my God--that love!--I can't seem to shake it. But right now I have to just let the rock dissolve. 


And as I read through the tales of the Past Me, I felt a sense of longing. And restlessness. I've talked about how I don't like change, how I need stability and routine and predictability in my life. This is, of course, a result of growing up in a home with a schizophrenic parent. But there is a sense of restlessness that I can't seem to shake. Do you know that I had the crazy thought of moving to a new city and just starting over? Crazy, I tell you. Especially since I love Pittsburgh so much. Maybe I just need a temporary change of scenery. My trip to San Francisco at the end of June might do that. 


Or maybe I need to rearrange the furniture in my living room. Or paint my bathroom. Or hop in my car and just drive somewhere for the day, somewhere I've never been. My brain needs a little jolt out of its current synaptic coma.


I'm taking any and all recommendations seriously. Tell me what I could do. And...go.


{I like the photo above. Don't you?}