Tuesday, May 03, 2011

dear depression: i hate you.


It's happening again. And I hate it. 

Depression.

I've struggled with it before, and I hate it.

It makes me feel worthless...like there's something so wrong with me that I can't even smile. Granted, I've smiled a few times in the last several days, but my heart doesn't feel smiley. There's a difference. Perhaps you know what I mean. I feel blank. And I feel like what's behind the blankness is just bleakness.

I feel lonely as hell lately. I think that's one of the reasons I'm so depressed. I was talking about this with my new friend Jill {who is a gem, by the way} earlier today at lunch. So many of my closest friends--mostly from graduate school--have moved on, to engagements, to marriages, to pregnancies, to babies, to new cities, to new states, to new careers.

And I have not.

And that's okay--because I have made the choices I've made because they felt right at the time that I made them.  But still. The loneliness is unbearable at times. Never feeling close to anyone. Never feeling connected. In fact, many days I wonder if I'm supposed to be married, if I'm actually called to that life. I don't feel called to be a mother--I've never felt called to that. But some days I pray that changes, just so I don't feel so left out, so weird, so something-is-wrong-with-me.

Logically, I KNOW there is nothing wrong with me. Everyone's life is different. We're all called to different things. I accept that. No, wait. Scratch that. I understand that. But I don't like it.

So, anyway. Depression. Yeah, I don't even want to get out of bed. I don't want to do stuff. Don't want to go out. I just want to curl up in a ball, under my covers, and disappear. I'm going to have to do something about this. I'm going to have to go and talk to someone. And I will. I just hate this. I hate the weight of it. I hate the loneliness. I hate the tiredness. I hate the aches that are settling into every bone and joint and crevice of my body. 

And the lack of sun--oh, Pittsburgh, you are KILLING ME--isn't helping.

I just want to feel closeness. To someone. Real trust, real connection, real closeness. And I just don't have that in my life right now. With anyone.

12 lovely bits o' feedback.:

Jo said...

This post really resonates with me. A good portion of my friends are mothers, and I am constantly wondering if my "clock" is broken. I've even had friends tell me that when you meet the "right" guy, that will change. Well, I am dating someone I love very much, and...no change.
And even though I am dating this amazing person...I've been feeling so lonely lately. I wish I had a really close girlfriend I could sit and gab with and go do girl things with. All of my girl friends are in different places, either physically (other cities, states, etc) or emotionally (married, with children, etc).

Sorry to go on and on. Just want you to know that I hear you!
xox

your friend laura said...

sweet jo,

my darling friend. thank you {oh, thank you!} for leaving the comment that you did.

first: if you were here, or i were there, we would sit together and gab and do girl things and drink wine and smile and laugh. because you and i? we'd be girlfriends. {can we be girlfriends over the interwebs? i think we can.}

second: while i am sad to hear that you, too, feel some of what i feel, i am relieved to know that i am not alone {and, thus, neither are you}. we women have our struggles, and they are No Fun At All. but, when we reach out--even through a blog comment--it makes our hearts a little closer, a little more healed, perhaps. i take great comfort in that. i hope you do, too.

third: sending you hugs and smooches and hugs again from pittsburgh.

love.

vivian lee croft said...

Thanks for sharing. I have to say, me too. I live with depression and that feeing of lonliness as well. And I too have never thought I'd get married and have children. Sometimes I think it's becuase I don't want them to carry the burden of pain the way I do. I'd rather they not be exposed to the pain of seeing someone else unable to function due to depression and anxiety. It's a stifling affliction. It's hard for me to even show my boyfriend my pain when it cycles back into my life. Always a struggle. Thanks for sharing. That helps me feel less alone. Recently I met Stephanie after she shared her story. It's relavent to now. She's a blogger too, so check that out.

http://www.pittsburghonvideo.org/video/2838/hard-to-love-stephanies-story

Lynnetta said...

Hi Lovely Laura,

Like you and the other ladies who commented, I hear you. My last relationship ended 3 years ago and it has been a very lonely 3 years. I moved to Pittsburgh to be with him and while I have made friends in my 6 years here, I just haven't made the connections with people like I did way back when in college. It adds to the loneliness and heart ache. I want to feel loved and I want to be important to someone. One of my favorite quotes is a lyric to an Ingrid Michelson song.
"They say your not somebody, till someone else loves you. Well I am waiting to make somebody somebody soon." But I'm getting tired of waiting.

xoxo
Lynnetta

your friend laura said...

vivian,

i love you. period. perhaps you and i can hold on tight to one another through this darkness. i have two hands. you can have both.

and stephanie's video? i watched it and felt less alone for the first time in a long time. thank you. thank you. thank you.

xoxo,
l.

your friend laura said...

lynetta,

i am always so, so happy when you stop by. thank you. thank you for reaching out here, for sharing what's in your heart {as it sounds so similar to the voice in mine}.

loneliness is so hard...so heavy. i am sorry that your heart is still lonely after three years. part of my loneliness comes from a similar cause. i don't know when it will fill again, if ever. but i will search for some way to fill it. search, reach, search, reach.

i hope you'll continue to come here often and that you find this a place where your loneliness subsides...even if just for a blog post or two.

xoxo,
l.

Rose said...

Laura, please know you are not alone in this feeling. I moved to Pittsburgh about a year ago, and I've felt this way off and on throughout the months here. Am I doing the right thing? Will I ever find a real connection with another human again? Am I called to motherhood? I certainly don't feel that I am, but so many others around me are taking that plunge. It gets quite overwhelming.

I think in times like this it's important to recognize that there are so many other young women who could have written your same words here. I can list at least three that I know personally. And we are all working our way through independence, acceptance.

We're with you!

Rachal said...

Laura, this post makes me very happy that I will be in Pittsburgh next weekend, because I really want to give you a hug. You are one of the most dynamic women I've ever met, and I want you to know that there are more amazing parts of you than I have the time or space to list right now.

That said, I also completely, painfully, understand exactly how it feels to feel that way about yourself (worthless, unworthy of happiness, etc...). I've dealt with depression since I was about 17, and while it hasn't always been the crippling kind of depression that you're feeling now, it has been with me every day of the last 11 years. And from one depressed person to another, I think we both know that while it may be "easier" at some times than others, it's never really easy. There are always lingering doubts (self-doubts, mainly), and what I've found to be an incredibly persistent belief that I don't deserve anything worth having. It's only in the last year or so that I've really started to confront this kind of thinking, but that year has really made a difference in not only my feeling of self-worth, but in my hope for the future.

I don't know if simply knowing that others love you and understand you will help at all, but know that its true anyway. Because it is. See you in about a week. :-]

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I am as well. I went to college here so it's been a rough decade. I feel like I chose the wrong city for college in a sense because it never fit me right, and never will. I wish I could do it over some days.

The bitter grey winters take a deeper toll every year. Since graduating years ago, I have found the job market to be a cruel joke, while my classmates walked into plum jobs in DC, New York, Boston, etc. Then, when I finally found a job that had a salary and benefits, it was so demanding and required so much of me that it took over my entire life and I had a nervous breakdown. I am working very part-time right now while trying to recover, and the recovery isn't going very well so far.

Also, I know in my heart that I won't find another gig like it in this city. I don't know the right people, in fact I don't know anyone. And I'm not getting any callbacks for any publicly posted jobs. I just don't feel like subjecting myself to the humiliation and battering of my self-worth that looking for jobs that aren't there entail.

I have a love of my life, and we'll be married very soon. No kids for us (don't want them, neither of us have parenting instincts), but not upset by it.

It feels incredibly lonely to live in a city that is a bad fit for you, with no connections or ties to it, while everyone else loves their lives. And I feel like no one understands – and if I tried to explain, I would just bring everyone down. You mention watching your friends move on with their lives. For me, the feeling is like being alone in the corner at a crowded party. Except pretty much 24/7.

This is a very, very lonely place for us. We want to leave because there are too many bad memories of failure, heartbreak, and desolation scattered here. My worry is, will they follow me wherever I go? I am almost afraid to find out (and to fail, feel like a square peg, etc. elsewhere).

I have lost that sense of adventure. I feel resigned.

Thanks for posting. Made my night better.

Anonymous said...

Also, good for you for scheduling your trip! Traveling or a change of scenery can do a world of good. And what a gorgeous place you've picked, too. You'll love it, and the sunshine will energize!

your friend laura said...

dear anonymous,

first, thank you THANK YOU for your bravery in leaving such a candid comment. i am so sorry that you're experiencing such loneliness, frustration, and isolation. i have been there--in wisconsin, for two years. back in 2002-2004. it nearly killed me. and i don't say that melodramatically or lightly.

i truly thought i was going to die of a broken heart--broken by everything, not just a person.

secondly, the weather? oh. my. dear anonymous, i have never felt so absolutely devastated by lack of sun in my life before. it gets worse and worse. this winter/spring has been SO hard on me. i never realized how much the lack of sun would actually make me hurt emotionally. i've thought about moving--and i REALLY love pittsburgh--because i just can't take the weather anymore.

i wish there was something i could say or do to help...i really do. because i've been there. and, in some ways, i really still am. but i am SO happy to hear that you have a love of your life...that you'll be married soon...what a blessing!

please...i hope you'll continue to visit here. maybe we can somehow get through this together.

xoxo,
laura

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