Monday, October 26, 2009

one foot in the water.

I've always been afraid of drowning. I'm scared to death of large bodies of water. Did you know that? I am. Having the water pull me under, sucking me down towards a dark and airless tomb. Or something coming up from the bottom, grabbing me, devouring me.

I can swim, yes. Quite well. But sometimes there are forces that you can't evade, no matter how well you can swim. Treading water still requires energy, and sometimes that energy gives out. Gets used up. Goes away.

But sometimes that energy comes back. And you are able to tread again. Or you decide you'll kick whatever it is that comes up from below. You'll kick and kick and kick and even scream until you are the victorious one.

I'm thinking about putting one foot in the water. It's scary as hell, and I don't know what's going to happen, but I feel as though I should dab my toe into the waters and hope that they don't pull me under. I'm hoping instead that the waters will give me life.

I think I'm going to start writing here again.

Friday, October 16, 2009

now what?

What do you do when you lose the love of your life?

I don't know what to do.

I continue in a haze of grief each day. Disbelief, shock, complete sadness.

Empty. Hurt. A black hole in the center of my chest.

I don't know what to do.