Tuesday, May 31, 2011

going.


Yesterday, as I lay on my bed and felt the fan blowing cool air against my bare legs, I took a little trip down memory lane and re-read some of the blog posts I've written over the past couple of years. It was interesting. I can see patterns of emotions and experiences all typed up in those words on the page, and when I think back to their actual occurrences, I'm touched by sensations and memories that I'd all but forgotten. It was as if I was reading the life of a woman I used to know quite well but have recently lost touch with. How does that happen?


I came across lots of posts about him. I sort of knew that would happen, and I tried to prepare myself, but the shock of seeing his face and the re-telling of tales where he plays a main character still shot into the center of the Current Me, and my heart got caught in my throat like a rock, sharp and jagged. And it was then that I fully realized--and am coming to terms with--the fact that I still love him. I always will. I just will. Period. And so, that is that. And what I need, in order to deal with this realization, is time and space. Time and space for the sharp and jagged rock to dissolve. If that's even possible, of course. But you see, once it dissolves, the liquidy remains will run back down and into my bloodstream, always to be a part of me. 


Yes, he will always be a part of me. Because that's what love does. It becomes a part of you. Yes, it makes me sad that things ended the way they did, and part of me wonders if there would ever be a chance at reconciliation, because my God--that love!--I can't seem to shake it. But right now I have to just let the rock dissolve. 


And as I read through the tales of the Past Me, I felt a sense of longing. And restlessness. I've talked about how I don't like change, how I need stability and routine and predictability in my life. This is, of course, a result of growing up in a home with a schizophrenic parent. But there is a sense of restlessness that I can't seem to shake. Do you know that I had the crazy thought of moving to a new city and just starting over? Crazy, I tell you. Especially since I love Pittsburgh so much. Maybe I just need a temporary change of scenery. My trip to San Francisco at the end of June might do that. 


Or maybe I need to rearrange the furniture in my living room. Or paint my bathroom. Or hop in my car and just drive somewhere for the day, somewhere I've never been. My brain needs a little jolt out of its current synaptic coma.


I'm taking any and all recommendations seriously. Tell me what I could do. And...go.


{I like the photo above. Don't you?}

5 lovely bits o' feedback.:

Amy said...

My favorite way to shake up my life a bit is to do something to my hair. When everything else seems out of my control, that's the one thing I know I can change. So I either dye it or cut it - and I swear, it helps a little bit.

Hang in there!

Chris said...

I am a complete advocate of hopping in the car and just seeing something new. Get up on Saturday morning and decide how far you want to drive, then pick a place on the map and just go! Be a tourist, discover something cool, new or unique...there is always something cool to see if you are open to the experience.

your friend laura said...

amy- i've made a haircut appointment for next tuesday at 6:15 p.m. you and i are on the same wavelength. :)

chris- i'm taking off from work on friday (after we get thursday off!), which means i have a 4-day weekend. i'm putting gas in the car and driving south. i don't know to where yet, but i will when i get there.

xoxo.

goodniteirene.wordpress.com said...

oh. my. gosh.
this whole time i thought your comments were "closed"...i just now realized "lovely bits of feedback" was comments.

honey!! coming from a girl who has been there: the heartbreak {massive, painful divorce}, 3 bouts of depression {looking for cliffs to drive my car off of}, and crushing family of origin i'm here to tell you there is light, there is lift, there is love.

when and where. i don't know. but it comes if we let it.

cry, scream, smile and laugh. live boldly and loudly. as debilitating as my days of dark were they are now so very precious to me. i survived them, and every day since is a blessing.

now, you know me, i'm not friggin optimistic-sally-in-my -step. i have extreme sadness still and will always be prone to days, hours, sometimes months of blue, but they are temporary. they are there to teach me grace and flex and bolster my compassion muscles.

love to you beautiful laura girl. you have a fairy tale of life ahead of you. prince included.

krista said...

i'm a little late to the party but my system of snapping myself out of something is to wallow for a bit. ice cream, lack of showers, bad reality television. then there comes a point when i just can't do it anymore. and i shower, get dressed, go outside. i make plans and keep them. i give myself an obligation to someone else so that i'm accountable and i feel somehow better.
i've learned that i need to give myself permission to sit in my shell of self-absorbed pity so that it loses its luster. it starts to feel like a sore muscle and i massage it away.
does that make any sense?
whatever works for you, i hope it is doing its job. and i hope you are smiling at least once a day. at least.
xoxo