Sunday, July 04, 2010

just not feelin' it.

{i hope.}

I went to Mass this morning, but not skipping and singing. I dragged myself out of bed after laying under the covers and having a moral fight with myself about how badly I just wanted to be lazy and stay right where I was. Some people may say to stop being so hard on myself. What’s the big deal if you miss Mass every once in a while? they’d ask. You’re a good person, Laura. It’s not going to hurt you. Well, maybe those things are true. But I really like going to Mass every Sunday. It makes me feel connected—not just to God, but to myself and those in the Catholic community. Plus, Mass is a gift. Every part of it. So when I miss that gift, I feel grumpy and fussy inside. The Catholic Church teaches that it’s a sin to miss Mass (if you’re not really sick, state of emergency, etc.) and that if you miss it, you have to go to Confession before you can receive the Holy Eucharist again. I’ll admit, I’ve missed Mass a few times in the past and have still gone to Communion without receiving the sacrament of Confession. But now that I’m in a different place in my faith, I don’t feel right doing that anymore. Confession is such a beautiful gift, as is the Holy Eucharist. I don’t wanna screw up either one, you know?

But today I really, really didn’t want to go to Mass. Like, at all. Not even a smidge. In fact, it wasn’t even just that I wanted to be lazy. It was also because I just wasn’t feelin’ it. Lately, I haven’t felt as connected to God as I usually do. My prayer life has decreased, I’m overwhelmed by the state of the world, I’m questioning some things in my life right now, and I’m just plain tired. And when I got to Mass this morning, I was kneeling there praying and saying to God, “Dude, I’ve got nothing today. I’m just here. I hope that’s okay. I hope that’s enough. I got up, I showered, I came here. I simply have nothing else in me.” I went through the motions of Mass, trying so hard to find one moment where I felt really connected, where I felt like I wasn’t just doing stuff by rote. I did enjoy the second reading, and there were a few things our priest said during the Homily that made me feel something (i.e. “God loves you more than you’ll ever know, more than you’ll ever be able to comprehend, no matter what”). But other than that, I was just waiting for it to be over.

Anybody ever feel this way in their faith? Like you just want to say, “Ah, screw it.” It’s exhausting being a faithful person sometimes. This human, imperfect part of me wants to just be all “Well I’m imperfect, so I don’t even care anymore. I’ll just go about my day.” But the part of me that listens to my soul is all “It’s not supposed to be easy, Laura.”

But I’m freakin’ TIRED. I’ve been giving and giving and giving in some other areas of my life, and I just feel tapped out. I feel like I don’t have an ounce of energy or care left in me for serious, contemplative prayer. For serious worship. For serious devotion. Pick up the Bible? Nah. Go to a prayer service? That’s too much energy. Spend an hour talking about faith stuff? I can’t fathom it. My head has been extremely foggy lately, I’ve been terribly forgetful, and I find it extremely difficult to really concentrate on anything. It could just be stress (I am LONG overdue for a serious, get-out-of-town, be pampered, ignore the internet and cell phone kind of vacation). Or it could just be part of the experience of a person of faith: life is hard and sometimes you just get burned out.

I wonder what Jesus would say if he and I were sittin’ at a bar havin’ a drink, talking about all of this. I wonder if he’d “write me a pass,” so to speak. I mean, he’s Jesus, so he’s totally cool and totally understanding. And I’m sure he’s all “Laura, chill. I love you, girl. Ain’t nothin’ gonna change that, yo.” (Yes, that’s how Jesus sounds in my head.)

Still, all I really wanna do these days is sleep.

With love from Pittsburgh

Laura


1 lovely bits o' feedback.:

goodniteirene said...

cut yourself some slack sweetness.
doesn't matter where you devote yourself.
these "rules" sometimes are what bring us down rather than what help up be happier, more loving, more charitable people.
go with your gut beautiful. you're perfect.
xo, katie