Tuesday, July 27, 2010

dear pnc park. two words: funnel. cakes.

I am not a sports person. I know, I know. I live in Pittsburgh: City of Champions, and I am not a sports person. While I love my city more than a Prada handbag or a bathtub full of donuts {sans water, of course}, I do not, in any way, care for professional sports. I went to a Penguins game once on a blind date and kept staring at the architecture of Mellon Arena as opposed to the action on the ice. The only time I've ever been to Heinz Field was for a runway show I was modeling in. And PNC Park? I've driven by it. Does that count?


When my darling girl Melissa from OperationNICE came into town this past weekend to help me celebrate my Secret Agent L reveal, her husband Rob--sports fanatic to the extreme--got tickets to go see the Pirates play, and I was invited. How could I say no? People I Like trumps My Disinterest in Professional Sports.

And so, on Sunday afternoon, I found myself here:

At PNC Park.

The Ross-a-tron was invited, but he had to work all day. So I went by myself. But I made sure to include him as best I could:
I met Melissa and Rob's lovely friends, Devon and Craig:

They live in the suburbs and rarely come to the city. I will be working on changing that ASAP. Because they are lovely. And I'd like to spend time with them. Here. In the city.

The game was actually pretty fun. I am proud of myself for trying something new. Rob taught me a lot about baseball, and I enjoyed the whole atmosphere {despite the fact that the players' pants weren't nearly as tight as I thought they would be}. It was very theatrical. I like theatrical.

Do you know who else is theatrical? This girl:

We took a lovely group photo. I decided to take the crotch position:

And Melissa and Rob thought the whole Franktuary thing was hilarious:

I had a lovely time with my friends.


Do you know that PNC Park doesn't have funnel cakes? WHAT KIND OF BASEBALL PARK DOESN'T HAVE FUNNEL CAKES? A Communist baseball park?

Because that's what PNC Park felt like when Melissa and I went on our Very Important Mission to find funnel cakes.

Nachos? Check.
Hot dogs? Check.
Slushies? Check.
Soft pretzels? Check.

Funnel cakes? "We don't have 'em," replied the nice man selling beer when we finally gave up and asked. "Nobody wants to make 'em."

WHAT?! Nobody wants to make them? I'm sorry. Since when did the needs of the funnel cake makers {yes, that's their official title} outweigh the needs of the funnel cake eaters? This IS a capitalist society, is it not? They could be making a mint! Heck, Melissa and I would have bought four! I know! Four! That's a lot! I may have even bought one more to take home to the Ross-a-tron!

Funnel cake makers, you are missing out! It's an outrage!! I travesty!!! I want to use even more exclamation points!!!! WHERE ARE THE FUNNEL CAKES?!?!?!?!?


And that is why I do not care for professional sports.

with love from Pittsburgh,

5 lovely bits o' feedback.:

Melissa said...

And how DARE they trick us by piping in the warm, delicious SMELL of funnel cakes! I smelled 'em, I know it! I WOULD have bought four. And I would have been curled up in the fetal position under my seat.

In that picture of me on the bridge, it looks like I'm a supporter of ports. PORTS!

Gina said...

You know, I never noticed that they don't have funnel cakes. Now that I know, every future trip to PNC Park will be filled with horrible funnel cake cravings.

Chris said...

Kennywood has funnel cake..skip the sports, careen around rickety wooden coasters with spectacular views of the Mon and have some funnel cake..you're welcome.

Burgh Baby said...

I am currently thanking Jeebus, Aunt Frankie, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster that you were not directed to the Funnel Cake Fries (oh yes, they exist at PNC Park) because they are DISGUSTING. *puke* *wretch* *gag*

I make gooood funnel cakes. You should show up at my house sometime.

Rebecca said...

Oh Laura, i love you so much dear! Your posts are the most unique and enjoyable of any blog i've ever seen, including the one dude who writes hilarious stuff on post-its about being a new dad...

We do need to get together soon...funnel cakes...mmmm...haven't had one in years...we'll have to go to Kennywood and get one sometime...maybe before they close for the year! :)

Tell Ross i said hi :)