Thursday, July 08, 2010

dear uterus. just...no. love, me.


I remember when I got my first period. I was all Oh, THERE it is! And then I went downstairs to the kitchen where my mom was and told her. I was kind of half-smiling. She smiled all the way. And we took it from there. I survived the becoming-a-woman thing. Hooray. Or something.

Flash forward all manner of years (20 if we’re counting. Are we counting? Crap. We’re counting.), and there is no more half-smiling. There is full-out growly face. On yours truly.


Here’s the thing. I never wanted kids. So for the past eleventy-billion years, while I’ve been havin’ this here period, I’ve been all What up, Universe? Um, ‘member how I don’t wanna have kids? So, yeah, can we just skip this whole remarkably inconvenient, painful, embarrassing, painful, annoying, painful THING?


*image of Laura, curled up on bathroom floor in fetal position, weeping from the pain, once every couple of months*

And the Universe was all I don’t care what you want.

And then I was all Oh, wait. I think I want kids.


So now the whole uterus thing is sort of relevant. But not enjoyable in any sense of the word. The PMS I get is, well, awful. My boobs hurt SO BADLY that I can’t even hug sometimes. Or roll over at night. And wear a bra? Torture. I also get extremely fatigued a few days beforehand. To the point where I literally come home from work and collapse on my bed for three hours. Then get up and go to bed for the night. I also feel flu-like symptoms. Upset tummy. Aches and pains. And my abdomen--because of water retention--distends to the point where I look like I’m 3 months pregnant, despite the fact that I’m actually preparing to be a part of the womanly time when one is NOT pregnant.


Do you know that last night I laid on my bed, shoving Oreos in my face by the handful—Double Stuf, no less—black crumbs of chocolatey goodness all over my fingers, all down my shirt, all over my duvet?


That’s right. I share that with you here because I have no shame.


I, Laura, was inhaling Double Stuf Oreos at a rate of amazing speed.


And tonight? Tostitos Hint of Lime tortilla chips. At Mach 5. Like there was no tomorrow. My white tank top showing evidence of a PMS-ing woman on a salty rampage.


All because of my uterus.


And the Ross-a-tron, bless his heart, decided that I should do the Period Dance. Because the damn thing needs to JUST GET HERE ALREADY.


Yes, the Period Dance. What? You’ve never heard of the Period Dance? I was laughing so hard during it that I can’t even remember the lyrics to the song he made up to go with it, but I remember that it involved the following phrases:


I may not wear Fruit of the Loom, but what I need now is Fruit of the Womb.


Gush, gush, gush, I’m in a rush.
{He’s adorable. He thinks it gushes out like a fire hydrant or something.)


What? Too much?


with love from Pittsburgh,

Laura

6 lovely bits o' feedback.:

Laureen said...

oh girl, you made me laugh right out loud first thing in the morning!!! even though i'm into the next really delightful, lovely, happy place of hot & cold flashes, i too suffered for decades with the more notorious, even sinister, effects of being a girl. mostly cranky. definitely cranky. and sigh, hate to break it to ya, but menopause is CRANKY TIME. on your side of the line, it pales in comparison. oh yeah, there's a reason why women of a certain age get so much done, become crazed & deranged & go make an impact on the world. BECAUSE WE ARE IN MENOPAUSE, PEOPLE! AND WE ARE CRANKY!

Laureen said...

postscript. the children thing? good idea. definitely good idea. even better than a puppy!

Melissa said...

No children for me, thank you! And yet, there's my monthly friend. Just came yesterday actually, and I was doing the Period Dance like crazy the last few days because I have been a certified B-word lately!!! I never noticed my PMS when I was younger, but now, once I start crying at iPhone commercials, I know what's a-coming. Seriously though, that iPhone Face Time commercial is a tear-jerker!!!

Jo said...

Yummmmm....Tostito's hint of lime tortilla chips!! Still, no one should have to suffer that way. Blah.

Becca Rae said...

Its funny you should write about this, only a week and 2 days after I got my period. FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE LAST AUGUST (when I came off of the Pill)! I have had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome since I was 14, actually probably had it before that but was diagnosed then and went on the pill so i could actually have periods, but without actually ovulating...I went almost 15 months without it in my early teen years...now, 14 years later, for the very first time without the help of medication (but WITH the help of natural things like a drastic diet change and lots of vitamins), I got my period and I was so excited I almost cried and when I told Richie he almost cried too!! I want children so bad, and Richie is turning 39 next month so he's definitely ready for kids too...it's amazing how those with periods regularly don't know how amazing of a thing menstruating regularly really is...I do NOT mean this in anyway as a "how dare you not appreciate bleeding every month!" comment...i just love hearing all the different view points of things and I have recently discovered how blessed I am to live in this amazing country where there are so many ways to seek health in all areas...and that God never gives up on us...even when I thought I'd have to go on crazy fertility meds and go through TONS of money and painful trials, and maybe never be able to carry my own child(or children, praying for twins!)...my body is starting to work like a normal woman, and maybe I will eventually be able to be one of those women that says..."Oh, not Aunt Flo AGAIINNN!" I look forward to the day when it's so regular that I don't do my own "Period Dance" of joy when it comes ;) Just thought I'd share :)

hello haha narf said...

oh my dog, i MUST see the dance that accompanies the song! your ross is a riot...