Monday, July 05, 2010

i hate money. why can't we just use rice like the indians did?

{image from here}

"The world holds enough to satisfy everyone's need, but not everyone's greed."

Money makes me want to throw up. Like, violent, full-out, barfing-until-I-can't-breathe throwing up.

How's that for a starting image?

Now, I realize that there are many, many people in this world who have it far, far worse than I. I am aware of that. I do not take my first-world-citizen status for granted. I do, however, get jealous sometimes. C'mon, I'm human. I am jealous of the other first-world-citizens who live in my city--even more specifically, my neighborhood--who are my age or younger who a.) own real estate, b.) go on vacations, c.) have money to go out to eat, d.) don't pinch every penny they have for fear of overdrawing their checking accounts, e.) I could go on.

I work really hard at my job. I also happen to love my job. But what I don't get is paid enough. Sure, we all say that. But as a single woman, living alone, trying to support herself, I can barely afford my rent anymore. Sure, I've got credit card debt: about eleventy-seven-billion dollars of it. Some of it is from years ago when I just didn't understand how the credit card industry worked. But most of it is from the interest rates that skyrocketed as a result of the crappy economy. I can't keep up. At all. And I'm not out spending like a madwoman, puttin' stupid charges on my credit cards. I literally need more income. Period. I'm hoping to get some modeling work now that I have new pictures, but that's also a waiting-and-wondering game.

And so, I am stuck at that place where I am thinking that I need to make a major change. A different job? I'd love to stay at the company I'm at--it's been an amazing, wonderful place fo rme--but just move to another position. I feel this is very possible. The trick, however, is waiting for a position to open up. My current boss is well-aware of my abilities, and she agrees that moving somewhere else in the company would be a good move. She's incredibly supportive, as is the rest of my department. But it's the waiting...and the wondering.

I'm 32 years old. And I have absolutely nothing financially to show for it. NOTHING. I can't move forward in life if I stay where I'm at--literally and figuratively. I want more out of this life. There are so many beautiful things to experience, places to go, people to meet, and I want to do all of it. Not at a crazy, extravagent level. No. Just occasionally. Hell, now it's even a stretch to go to the movies.

I look at my friends Lauren and Nick. They're younger than I am, yet they own a home, are preparing for a baby, travel all the time, have lived overseas, and are moving forward in their lives. Yes, I'm jealous. There. I said it. Sure, they've got worries and stresses, just like the rest of us. But why do I feel so left behind? I mean, yes--I've made decisions that have put me where I am. I am responsible for much of that. But now I'm starting to get the itch to change it up a bit. And that's so scary because I HATE CHANGE! So, where is this coming from, I wonder?

Man, I'm just throwin' up all over this blog post, aren't I?

with love from Pittsburgh,

3 lovely bits o' feedback.:

Akirah said...

I'm sorry money is stressing you out, my friend. But try not to worry too much about what other people are doing. You're right where you're supposed to be and likewise for your friends. Just focus on being awesome, and moving forward in ways that will be healthy for you. I hope you can find a new position that will pay you more money...a girl's gotta eat!

I loved your pics, by the way.

devon spec said...

it's funny.... i'm 32 as well and i feel jealous of other people all the time. it's human nature. before i got married, and combined incomes, i was a financial MESS> i mean, sloppy. i had no clue about anything and would charge, charge CHARGE! we own a home, have a baby, and pay out the wazoo for daycare. we could live high on the hog if we didn't, but i try to enjoy what we DO have. (which isn't much, but it's more than most people) i'm babbling, but i want to say that the people you're most jealous of, are jealous of other people too. ;)

Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon your blog quite by accident. I hope you don't mind my leaving a comment.

I've been feeling this way too for a very long time. A friend of mine just got promoted to VP...and I'm stuck in a dead end job. It has to get better right?

You're not alone in feeling the way you do. And who knows? The very people you're jealous of may be jealous of you!