Wednesday, April 21, 2010

hiding.


I sort of knew this was coming. I could feel it sneaking up on me, like a quiet energy waiting to prickle my skin with its sudden arrival.

I am depressed.

I've been feeling this way for a couple of weeks now, each day feeling heavier than the previous, my body and mind wanting only to sleep and hide and curl up into themselves. To become invisible in this world that constantly asks me to Live! Out! Loud! But I can't right now.

Tomorrow night I have a live event: the Eyetique Raise Your Glasses Party. I will have to be in character, as "Girl" from Boy Meets Girl. I have no idea what to wear, I have a blemish on my face, I am tired, I am sad, and I just feel empty.

But deep down I just want to crawl under the covers of my bed, in a little ball, my eyes closed and my ears deaf to the demands of the world. And I know I am not alone in this. I know that many of you suffer from this silent demon just as I do. And so I will push myself. Out towards the world.

I have been sleeping for two hours each day when I get home from work. Two hours. And then, I get up, brush my teeth, wash my face, remove my contacts, and go to bed. And when I wake, the sun pouring into my beautiful bedroom, all I want to do is hide again. I haven't really prayed in days. I didn't go to Mass on Sunday. I feel numb. If that's something you can feel anyway.

6 lovely bits o' feedback.:

Akirah said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I don't know what else I can say, but I truly am sorry.

Duel Living said...

Oh Laura....

Girl...I'm right there with ya. I am going through one of my "blue periods" again as I call them. Constant headaches...sleeping after work....all day on my days off...sometimes two naps a day. Food doesn't taste good. Crowds seem frightening and draining. Smiles seem fake but necessary. I'm on meds...but I feel that they aren't working for me. My job, my marriage, my quality of life all suffer.

You are not alone. I am right there in the dark with you, and I know there is a way out...we will find it together.

You can always e-mail me if you need to talk...though I know sometimes the thought of just doing that is tiresome. But I am here if you need me. Always. And I'm thing about you and holding your hand from far away.

xoxox,
Brandi

happy moments said...

do not do that, go out to the sun, even if you don't have the mood to.run, walk, buy things, smile, do things that you like. Activate. Depression is a dark hole, where you keep coming down. I've been there and it's nasty. The more you abandon your will the more the hole deepens. so try to have a good time. Better days are really coming. You'll make it.Keep on blogging. It's soul recovery.

goodniteirene said...

oh sweet thing. i feel you. i'm in it.
again.
too.
sleep. sleep. and more sleep. it's the only thing i look forward to. today is the first day since i started my blog that i'm not going to "post" on a weekday. i'm just too blah......
fortunately, if you've been through this before (like me) you know this will pass {even though every time it seems like THIS TIME will last forever}.
there is always a lightening. and with that lightening comes a sunniness so brilliant and dandy it makes you effervescent. with each "episode" of depression a deeper sense of gratitude surfaces.
although it doesn't feel like it now.
much much love.

Melissa said...

I feel your pain! Every Sat and Sun, whenever I have free time, I take a 2-3 hour nap. Even though I know I should be blogging, working, answering emails...doing SOMETHING productive. But I can't. I actually was depressed a few years ago. I went on some medication, and I felt much better. But when my Rx ran out, I just sort of let it go. And for a while, things were good. But I'm starting to feel down again. And the frustrating thing is, I have NOTHING to feel sad about! Life is good. I'm not going through anything particularly stressful (other than work). I should be happy. And I am. But there's something, I don't know, like a cloud hanging over me. I'm having trouble shaking it.

Maybe this will cheer you up a bit. So I've been making plans to visit your neck of the woods in July!! I have an event to attend on the evening of the 24th, so Rob and I are going to make a weekend out of it. ;) Also, I think we might go to a Pirates game on the afternoon of the 25th with two of my friends. Do you think maybe you and the Ross-a-tron would be interested in going??? Not sure what you might have going on that weekend. But if you think that'd be fun, we can pick up some tickets for you! Let me know!

Anonymous said...

Such a beautiful girl like you should never feel like this. Take it from a guy half way across the world that knows that your Father in Heaven cares for you so incredibly much. And He wants you to know that He Loves You more than anything in this world. Draw into Him and in His strenght, go out into the world and smile and cry and express all your feelings to Him. He's with you.
All the best.
Kim