Tuesday, May 25, 2010

the nose knows.


Do you know what's been on my mind lately? Air freshener commercials. Yes, that's right. Air freshener commercials. It seems as though our society has a problem.

We smell awful.

Yes! We do! Because I have neverinmylife seen so many commercials that focus on how bad our world smells and how absolutely-oh-my-goodness-call-the-press we simply must do something about it! I mean, I don't know about you, but I always have an entire fish--googly eyes and all--staring up at me from my kitchen trash can. And onions? Every day, darlings! Also, my pets are stinky. Even though I don't have any. Still, they smell awful. What with the poop I'm sure they're bringing in on their paws and whatnot. So, yes! Whatever shall I do to combat the smell?

There are many ways to get rid of The Stink. Candles. Wax ones. Soy ones. All scented. And there are Thingies we plug in. Thingies we plug in that also blow air. And candles that aren't actually candles but sort of look like candles but really couldn't possibly be candles, because, well, that means there's fire and we simply Can't Have That. We also have things we spray in the air. And things that spray into the air that we don't actually spray. They spray on their own. Every twenty minutes. Because we smell extra bad on a very specific rotating schedule. And we have powders we put on our carpets and then vacuum up. Because even our vacuum cleaners are stinky. And we have sprays. spritzsprayspritzspray, all over our drapes/loveseat/beds/dirtyclothesonthefloor. When Mother-in-Law comes to visit. When the postman delivers a package to the door. When the phone rings. Just in case.

Good heavens, we are so stinky.

And don't forget our laundry detergent! They've added Febreeze and other scents to our laundry detergents on top of the fragrance that's already in them because, apparently, they don't smell good enough, either, because they're too busy removing dirt and grime and sweat and other grody-to-the-max-ness, BUT NOT THE SMELL.

And think about how many celebrities have fragrance lines. I mean, it's not like they need the money. Surely not. But they are living in the same stinky world as us, so clearly they must be thinking I cannot take another moment of this stink! I must rectify this situation of said stink! I know! I shall invent Yet Another Smell in the name of all things non-stinky! Thank goodness for celebrities, or the stinkiness might just get out of control.

I bet the next thing they'll come up with is a button we press on our bodies that neutralizes us instantly. Do It Yourself Deodorant. That's what they'll call it.

And, finally, we won't stink. But then all of those actors in those air freshener commercials will be out of jobs. And that makes me sad.

But not really. Because some of them really stink.

with love from Pittsburgh,
Laura

3 lovely bits o' feedback.:

Catholic Chicks said...

LOL...never thought of it this way. I stink?

Kim Z said...

I hate our over-fragranced society, but there is one odor-defeating device that I commend: The Diaper Genie. Sure in the early months the smell of baby poop could likely be contained in a standard trashcan, but once solid food is introduced? That shit is toxic. Hooray for magical containment systems! (The Diaper Genie is not fully effective, but much better than life without.)


So unless those overly perfumed people are pooping in Depends, they need to back off with the fragrance.

Kim Z said...

I just saw this on Google News: People Who Think They Stink May Have Mental Disorder 'Olfactory Reference Syndrome'
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/MindMoodNews/olfactory-reference-syndrome-people-stink-rare-mental-disorder/story?id=10743337