Tuesday, April 19, 2011

vapor.


When I was staring at the ceiling this morning at 5:03 a.m., I wanted to scream. But I was too tired. And the sleepies in my eyes were heavy, just like my eyelids. So, instead, I screamed last night, as I leaned against my desk. I cried and sobbed and cursed and clenched my fists.  Do you know that I questioned my worth last night? Because of your words? Because of your impersonal words typed up on a piece of letterhead paper, heavy with ink that was more dagger than liquid?

I questioned. my. worth.

Your initial silence was hard enough to bear. Waiting for some acknowledgment that I existed.  And yet, it never came.  I have given myself to you for 14 years. In more ways than one. I have been dedicated and steadfast and honorable. And yet, you treated me like nothing. Like the emptiness of emptiness.

Well I am not empty. I am full of so many good things. Things you will never get to see or feel or hear or learn from. That's right. Learn from. I could have taught you so much. In fact, that day we met, I did teach you something--something you didn't expect to learn. I solved a problem for you. Before we even had a commitment to each other. I solved a problem for you, because I care. Because I am honorable and good and am thinking of someone other than myself.

But you are not.

Your words. On that letterhead. The ink. Heavy like daggers.

Do you know that I burned your words? I skimmed them, they punctured me, and then I burned them. I took the match, struck it against the box, put the fire to your words and watched them burn into nothingness. Because that's what they're worth. Nothing.

But I am worth something.

{If I could escape through that window above, I would.}

3 lovely bits o' feedback.:

Chicory Blue said...

You have such a way with words. I can feel emotion in every word.
((hugs))

Andy said...

You're far too lovely to feel so down.

Chin up. Everyone's counting on you.

happy moments said...

come on sugar!! you certainly deserve a lot more than you think. it's just a bad period that will pass. smile!!! tomorrow is a wholw new day