Monday, June 20, 2011

an attempt to let go. but failing.


this will be one of the last times--if not the last time--i write about you here.

i spent this past weekend aching for you. literally. reclined on my bed, protected by my comforter and sheets, staring at the ceiling, feeling a burn in the center of my chest.

because i still
love
you
oh
so
much

but will never be able to tell you again because i cannot face the pain that you might not love me back anymore.

even though it feels like we are still "team eleven," only living in separate dimensions. because that love we shared? it will never, ever go away. that history we wrote? it is written in stone. that connection we forged? it is bound by steel.

maybe you've already forgotten about me. moved on.
maybe you visit here every so often.

i will never know.

but i do know this:
you
are
my
heart
always
have
been
always
will
be

even though you hurt me---oh, you hurt me!--even though i lost so much trust in you,
i
love
you
with
all
my
heart
and
soul.

forever.

i love you, r. i don't know where you are, or what you're doing, but you are in my heart and mind and thoughts and memories and deepest-parts-of-me, every. single. day. i cannot let you go. i don't know how. but i know i have to. somehow.

i am so, so sorry.

i love you.

1 lovely bits o' feedback.:

Akirah said...

You're definitely not crazy, feel free to think out loud as much as you need to, and I'm sorry the horror of everything still hurts so bad. You loved him. A love like that can take a long time to let go of. You do what you need to to cope (within reason, of course -- gotta be safe!) and write as you wish. I'll be reading and praying. Love you!