Wednesday, May 18, 2011

on being alone. {part two}

{You can read part one here.}

When I got home from work yesterday, my apartment was dark and dreary. I blame it not only on the absolutely abysmal weather we've been having here in Pittsburgh {hello, rain and cold temps for DAYS, people...DAYS}, but also on account of the fact that my surroundings are sorta mirroring what's going on internally with me. I just wish the sun would shine for a few days in a row. My spirits really do lift when that bright ball of goodness makes an appearance.

But with the way the weather's been acting, I wouldn't doubt that The Rapture is on its way this Saturday.

I've decided, though, that for the next few days, I'm going to carry on as I have been, and try to get used to being alone. Or at least the feeling of being alone.

You see, I know I'm not actually alone. I have friends, albeit geographically removed from my general city limits, but there's always the phone and text messaging. {I'm the only person left on the planet who doesn't do Facebook, nor will I ever.} I have family--my parents are thirty minutes north and my brother is forty minutes southwest. But when you suffer from depression and you've just experienced a break-up, you feel like a prisoner in your own soul. You feel totally alone, isolated, and trapped. I know, I know. I probably sound like I'm being totally melodramatic. But ask anyone who suffers from depression. They'll confirm there's no exaggeration in the description. And the real crux of the situation is that when you're depressed, even though you feel alone, you don't want to connect to anyone. You don't want to go out, be with people, talk on the phone, etc. At least I don't. It's a shitty Catch-22.

I'm at this place in my life where I'm feeling really left out. Granted, that feeling is mostly a result of choices I've made. I'm 33. I am not married. I am not engaged. I am not in a relationship. I am not pregnant. I do not have children. I do not own real estate. I do not have a career. Hell, I don't even have the Internet at home. {Do you know why? Because I don't make a living wage. Even with a Master's Degree.} But the majority of people I know who are around my age do have these things. They are involved in those stages of life. And I'm happy for them. I really am! But I'm not involved in any of those stages. Because the man I thought I was going to marry broke my trust so deeply that there's no going back. And I'm terrified of having children, partly because I can't fathom bringing them into a world like the one we're living in now, but also because I just don't feel that maternal urge whatsoever. I look at babies and I feel nothing. N-o-t-h-i-n-g. I've also never been a career girl. I have too many different skills and talents to pinpoint me into one type of career path. And I also feel like the word "career" is a four-letter word, because it makes me think of power, money, bureaucracy, workaholics, and a host of other things that make me Very Uncomfortable.

Thus, I feel left out. Alone. Because I'm not a part of that life, that culture. The culture of marriage, the culture of motherhood/parenting, the culture of career. I can't really relate to those people in my life who are a part of those cultures, and it makes my heart sad. I sort of feel lost, which I never thought I'd feel because I always enjoyed the different things going on in my life: modeling, acting, volunteering, living in my tiny apartment, my job at the University, and my {previous} relationship with the Ross-a-tron, doing my own thing. But now, things have changed. And I understand change is good and important, but it's kind of thrown me for a loop. Like I wasn't ready for it. Like I wasn't looking, and it just hit me smack dab in my noggin. 

Our American culture doesn't really cater to those of us who aren't a part of the marriagebabiescareer culture.  It's not that I don't think marriage and family are important--they are. I just don't feel drawn to them. Partly due to fear, partly due to a true lack. What's a girl to do?

Hmmm...maybe the circus is taking applications.

{photo from this amazing site}

3 lovely bits o' feedback.:

Carmen said...

I think it's normal for you to feel you don't necessarily want the kids, or the big career. Not everyone has to want the same things, and I think it's good to embrace who you are, as you are, making no excuses. Also, maybe it's time for a change in your time. Get internet. Get on facebook. Seriously, might sound odd, but if you're not feeling too well, starting to do things that you wouldn't normally do, or that you have said you would never do, might make it easier to start living a change.

Chris said...

I agree with Carmen. Its easy to live your life with all the won'ts, can'ts and don'ts surrounding you like bubblewrap. Sometimes it takes a shift in thinking. Change your internal tape recorder to why can't I? why won't I? why don't I? It opens up a whole new world. Life is too short to live in the ne pas state.

Eliza Lovely said...

I'm stopping by to give some inspiration. I remember feeling this way, for so long, and not too very long ago. My heart was completely torn apart a year and a half ago. Since then, I've watched friends get married, buy houses, have kids. Everyone seemed to be moving along so well - everyone but me.

For a while, I dwelled in that sadness. But I could only let myself do that for so long. Like Carmen suggested, I started doing different things. I tried rediscovering what it was that I wanted to do, how I wanted to be.

After being alone (and lonely) for more than a year, I am dating someone I really care about. We are taking things slow, but I have a good feeling. And honestly, I never thought I'd have that feeling again.

So there is hope. in all things.